Laying it all down at the foot of the cross

Laying it all down at the foot of the cross

So this blog is mostly about Hannah, but that is mainly what I created it for.  Although this post isn't going to be much about Hannah.  I am probably not considered to be a very open person so doing what I am about to do is going to be very hard.  I am not doing it for attention or pity but more to help me with the healing process. 

So here it goes...I will try not to be too wordy!

 A little background...Some of you may or may not know that I have dealt/struggled with a lot of infertility issues for several years now.  After having laproscopy surgery about 3 years ago I was told I have stage 4 endometriosis (there are only 4 stages).  Pretty bad to be so young.  I was also informed that the only way to get pregnant would be to do IVF (in vitro fertilization).  So you also may or may not know that Hannah was conceived through IVF.  We were successful on this first try.  We have been so blessed with Hannah. 
She is a miracle in herself! 

And knowing that the endometriosis never goes away or stops growing we knew that if we wanted more kids that we didn't need to wait too long.  And of course we would need to go through the IVF process again. 

Now to the present time...
We were ready to start the IVF process again back in the fall but they found a fibroid so I had to have that removed and allow time to heal.  So just after the first of the year we were given the go ahead...
So here we go!  Another emotional roller coaster of lots of dr visits and lots of injections.  Unfortunately this time it did not work...I did not get pregnant.  I was caught off guard.  I guess I expected it to work since it had worked the first time.  Honestly, my heart is hurting so bad and I am so sad.  The pain is indescribable.  I know that God has a plan and that His plan is perfect.  I am trying really hard to lean on Him and seek Him in all ways.  Although at this point it is really hard to see the future he has planned because everything seems to be very blurry.  As I try not to focus on the things I will never have again (such as never carrying my own child again or giving birth) or letting the all the "why's" and "it's not fair's" take control of me.  Instead I am trying to focus on what I have already been so richly blessed with.  As I know I have a beautiful family.  And I know when one door closes another one opens. 
I have always wanted Hannah to have a lil brother or sister to grow up with and be buddies with.  I pray that God would bless us with a beautiful baby to adopt and to have, hold and love as one of our own.  Adoption in itself is overwhelming as I know nothing about the process. 
 
This journey of healing will take time and prayer.

So as I come before the Lord and lay all of this at the foot of the cross I pray that He would take my burdens, sadness, doubt, anger, bitterness, hurt and so many more emotions.  And that he would give me hope, peace, joy, patience, understanding, strength and comfort that only He can give.  This journey as well as many other tough journeys I have been through in life has a purpose and it will take time to see it.  
Please lift us up in prayer as that is what we need the most. 
Thanks for listening to my heart! 
Here are just a few verses that come to my mind at the moment that I am clinging to. 

Trust in the Lord forever,for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.
Isiah 26:4
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7
may the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13